Friday, June 29, 2012

Texas 2012 Republican Party Platform (as interpreted by an atheist independent in texas)


We like the Declaration of Independence and the Founding Fathers
    so much that we had to steal the preamble.


  1. The Declaration of Independence, US and Texas constitutions are Holy Writ passed down to us by the infallible Founding Fathers. Just like the King James Bible.
  2. Every sperm is sacred.

  3. Government must adhere to the exact wording of the Constitutions.  Except the parts we don't like.
  4. If you are born into poverty, suck it.  The State of Texas will not help you, because you deserve your station in life. Jesus said so.
  5. Gays, lesbians, and transgendered persons, don't suck it. Any long-term pair bonds you form are just not as important to the State as hetero pair bonds.
  6. Parents have the right to keep their kids as ignorant as possible for as long as possible.
  7. Yay guns!
  8. Keep your government regulations out of our free markets.  The Gilded Age was totally hawt.
  9. Obligatory vet-related flag waving.
  10. The Founding Fathers were all God-fearing geniuses, and we should emulate their every action.  Now excuse me while I bang these whores.

Preserving American Freedom:


  • Limited Federal Powers:  Because that worked so well for the Articles of Confederation and the Confederate States of America.
  • Unelected, Appointed Bureaucrats (Czars): We deny that any function of Government might require having someone in a position that is relatively insulated from the short-term wishes of the electorate.
  • Constitutional Citations on Legislation:  We really want the Members of Congress and the Legislature to do the Supreme Court's job. Separation of powers just gets in the way.
  • Law Enforcement:  We want the feds out of state jurisdictions, and we want the state LEOs to be responsible for enforcing federal laws.  We promise not to ignore any federal laws we don't like. For reals.  Pinky swear.
  • Border Security: ZOMG panic! Teh Ebil Wetbacks be infiltrating us! Feds, why have you not built 3000 miles of shark-with-laser infested moats lined with machine gun robots yet! If you don't, we will!
  • Preserving National Security:  We want a short, victorious War on Terror.
  • Elimination of Executive Orders:  We don't like them now. Never mind that they were awesome when our boy was in office.
  • Washington, DC: No taxation without representation.  Unless you are foolish enough to live in Washington, DC.
  • Census: Statistical analysis of anonymized data about the population of the United States must be forbidden.  Otherwise, the Feds might be able to make reasonable policies based on demographics.
  • Preservation of the Republican Form of Government:  Texas or the US may decide to spontaneously adopt Sharia law. We fear this deeply.
  • Affirmative Action: We want it gone.  Any difference in the way that Negroes or Hispanics are treated in the workplace and/or in the public sphere is only natural by now.
  • Protection from Extreme Environmentalists: Fracking is awesome,  and we don't want pesky little details about "tainted water supplies" or "severe environmental damage" to interrupt our business.  Also, kill the EPA, they are a bunch of filthy hippies.
  • Free Speech for the Clergy: We think that using the pulpit to influence politics is an awesome idea.  Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
  • The Rights of a Sovereign People:  Our governmental system was given to us by God, and fear that the State thinks it in charge. That we are getting the state we voted for has not crossed our mind.
  • Fairness Doctrine:  We still hate it even though it is 20 years dead. Our side of the debate is the only one you need to hear.
  • Real ID Act:  This would create a national ID card.  We hate that sort of thing.


  • Direct Election of State Judges:  We want our judges to pander to whatever the local political climate happens to be.
  • Judicial Restraint: We believe there is an overwhelming wave of judges making law instead of interpreting it.  This must be stopped at all costs.
  • Remedies to Activist Judiciary: Judges and justices who make decisions we don't like should have their decisions reversed and be unseated in the process.


  • Candidate Eligibility:  We want Obama's Kenyan Birth Certificate.
  • Voter Rights Act:  We miss poll taxes, literacy tests, and the other mechanisms that used to keep the undesirables from voting.
  • Fair Election Procedures:  We want "separate but equal" polling places for primary voting. That will totally make things fair.
  • Enforcing the Platform: No RINOs or dissent allowed.  For the greater good, of course.
  • AWOL Legislators:  It sure is embarrassing when we can't make quorum because some of our opponents strenuously object to passing some of our harebrained^Wreasonable bills.
  • Rights Versus Products:  We just wanted to mention how much we disliked wealth distribution here.

Strengthening Families, Protecting Life, and Promoting Health


  • Family and Defense of Marriage:  Marriage can only exist between a man and a woman, and society will end if gays or transgendered folks can be married. We really mean it, so imagine a John Galt style rant here.
  • Judicial Activism in Marriage:  See above.
  • Enforcement of the Defense of Marriage Act:  Ditto.
  • Marriage and Divorce:  No fault divorce is Destroying Marriage too! We hate it when couples can just acknowledge that things are no longer working and go their separate ways without much drama.
  • Family Values:  The continuous assault on Judeo-Christian values must stop!  We are a poor, persecuted majority, after all.
  • Supporting Motherhood:  We fear the Lieberal Assault on the Family.  That they will tell you there is no such thing is their first dastardly lie.
  • Homosexuality:  God says that homos are evil people who are destroying society by destroying marriage. Therefore, any teaching about gays is Bad, and any laws that restrict oppressing them like they so richly deserve is also Bad.
  • Pornography:  Porn is bad, mmkay.


  • Party Candidates and the Platform on Protecting Innocent Human Life: It is impossible to be a pro-choice Republican.  Anyone who claims to hold such a position is dead to us.
  • Partial Birth Abortion:  We especially hates it.
  • Right to Life:  Every fertilized egg is a full legal person, and the woman carrying them are incubators whose legal rights are subservient to the egg's rights.  There is no conceivable reason that an abortion would ever have to be performed, because as we all know all pregnancies are wanted and babies always develop perfectly and can never endanger the life of the mother.  Any examples to the contrary are snares and delusions of the Lieberal left.
  • Parental Consent:  Medical care and/or counseling of any kind to a minor is forbidden. After all, there is no possible reason that a minor would ever be in need of medical care without the parents being aware and supportive of such a need, and there is always time to get consent from the parents.
  • Protection of Women's Health:  Women feel constant pressure to get unwanted abortions -- this must be the case, because otherwise there would never be a reason to get abortion.  To counter this, we want women to feel constant pressure to not get abortions.
  • RU486:  No matter that a woman might not yet be pregnant,  if there is a chance they might have a baby they must be forced to take that chance.
  • Morning After Pill:  Ditto.
  • Gestational Contracts:  Normally we support the right of people to freely enter contracts, but we will make an exception here because it involves wombs.
  • Abortion Clinics:  We want to kill Planned Parenthood because they will perform an abortion if asked.
  • Abortion Requirements for Hospitals:  We think it is fine for hospitals and the organizations that run then to impose their morals on the doctors who work for them, and the women who are their patients.
  • Conscience Clause:  We think it is fine for licensed professionals to act in ways that are contrary to the best interests of their patients if there is any chance of a baby.
  • Fetal Tissue Harvesting:  God hates it.

  • Parental Rights and Responsibilities:  Since all parents are loving, have their children's best interests in mind at all times, take great pains to place those interests above their own, parents should have final say on everything that might have something to do with their children.  Evil governmental interference is the cause of everything that could possibly go wrong in a child's life.
  • UN Treaty on the Rights of the Child:  We oppose this because the United Nations is in favor of it, and they are even worse than the Feds.
  • Foster Care:  Hitting, indoctrinating, and sequestering foster care kids is fine with us.


  • Welfare Reform:  We have heard all about those welfare queens, and we want them gone.
  • Social Security: We want to turn Social Security into a Roth 401K. Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan.


  • The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (“Obamacare”): We loved it when Newt proposed it in the 90s, but we think it is unconstitutional now.  Too bad that pesky activist Supreme Court thinks it is alright.
  • Health Care Choice: Since out current market-based health care system is not working to control costs, making it even more market-based with less regulation will obviously make it better.
  • Unprocessed Foods:  Pasteurization and processing of foods should be strictly optional.  We all know that food never spoils in transit and that processing and pasteurization just destroy food's healthful energies.
  • Immunizations:  Adults should have the right to refuse vaccines for themselves and their children.  Nothing could possibly go wrong here because typhoid, whooping cough, polio, measles, mumps, influenza, and diphtheria have gotten much weaker over the last 100 years. Besides, vaccines are known to cause autism, come from abortions, promote the march towards socialized health care, and desecrate our precious bodily fluids.


  • American Identity Patriotism and Loyalty: American schools should only teach American culture -- all inferior cultures should be ignored.
  • Bilingual Education: Only English spoken here.
  • Classroom Discipline: We <3 spanking.
  • Controversial Theories: Adam and Eve doing alot of boinking is every bit as valid a theory as "natural selection".
  • Early Childhood Development: Since all parents are naturally experts on how children develop in their early life, pre-school and kindergarten should be strictly optional.
  • Knowledge-based Education:  Since teaching kids how to think critically leads to them having their own ideas instead just accepting the received wisdom of the ages, we want to restrict education just that which is needed to memorize and regurgitate. Since critical thinking has never resulted in anything useful ever, nothing could possibly go wrong with this approach.
  • Parental Rights in Education: Since parents know more about how to educate children and have more knowledge and time than the professionals they are paying with their taxes, their schooling decisions should be given greater weight than those professionals.
  • Sex Education:  Abstinence-only sex education has done wonders for the teen pregnancy rates in this State, and we look forward to more successes in this area.
  • Religious Freedom in Public Schools: Separation of church and state is a myth.  The Founders were all godfearing men.
  • State Board of Education (SBOE): We like how they get to determine what is factual in the State of Texas school system, especially since they like our facts.
  • Textbook Review: All textbooks should conform to this platform.
  • U.S. Department of Education: We want it abolished, especially since education obviously does not promote the general welfare of the United States.


  • Right to Keep and Bear Arms:  We really <3 guns.
  • Judeo-Christian Nation:  Since Jesus founded the US using the Founding Fathers, We affirm the right of all individuals to follow the Judeo-Christian religion of their choice.
  • Safeguarding Our Religious Liberties: Separation of church and state is a myth.  See above.
  • Health and Human Services Mandates: Have we mentioned how much we hate abortion yet?
  • Equality of All Citizens:  All citizens are equal, so "hate crimes" or "discriminating against minorities" are impossible.  Any laws relating to the above should be repealed.  Gays, trans folk, and "ethnics" should be satisfied with their lot.
  • Smart Meters: Smart electric meters are Evil Big Government.


  • Prison Reform:  We want to make prisons even more hellish than they currently are, because anyone in prison deserves it.  We also want more punishment, because it is impossible for anyone convicted to either be innocent or be capable to sincere repentance and reform.
  • Addictive Behaviors:  Porn is a drug, and both require Jesus to kick the habit.  If Jesus does not work, then prison will.


  We support the economic policies of the halcyon days of 1932, an era that would have been among the most prosperous in history if Herbert Hoover had been reelected. Balanced budgets at all levels of government coupled with a strict adherence to the gold standard would have brought the Great Depression to a screeching halt.

  • Downsizing the Federal Government:  We support hamstringing the Federal government by abolishing any departments that might produce facts that don't agree with our economic, educational, or environmental policies.  Their budgets will be allocated to the Department of Defense.
  • Budget and Appropriations: We want to cut spending and reduce taxes.  History has shown that this approach will always result in economic growth and social equality.
  • Funding Special Interest Organizations: We hate ACORN and the ACLU, and should cut funding from them, never mind that one of them is funded entirely by private individuals. Our faith-based special interest groups are cool, though, and deserve more government subsidies.


  • Federal Tax Reform: Progressive taxation imposes an unfair burden on the rich, so we want to abolish the IRS.
  • Permanent Tax Cuts: Any tax increase is bad, no matter what the tax is for.  We also think that the children of rich kids earned all the wealth their parents had, and there is no reason whatsoever to be concerned about that perpetuating social inequality.
  • Capital Gains Tax:  Folks who make their living off investment have hard enough lives.  Taxing their gains would break their poor rich hearts.
  • State Tax Reforms:
    • We hate property taxes -- they are too progressive for our tastes, and they just encourage proper funding of Texas schools.
    • We want to make it nearly impossible to raise taxes for any reason.
    • Professional license fees serve no purpose.
  • Bond Elections:  It is too simple for bond elections to pass.  We want to make bond elections different from all other elections in the state by requiring at least 25% voter turnout.  That this only rarely happens for anything other than a Presidential election is purely a coincidence.


  • Government Restrictions:  We mentioned abolishing the EPA, right? Well, we also want unrestricted rights to drill and mine on public property.
  • US Department of Energy: We mentioned how much we hate this, right?
  • Land Drilling: We <3 fracking.


  • Workers' Compensation:  We like that there are some industries in Texas where a worker can be injured on the job and be unable to bring a Workers' Compensation claim against their employer.
  • Minimum Wage: People should be free to accept jobs that they cannot possibly make enough money to lift themselves out of poverty. If Jesus does not help them, they have only themselves to blame.
  • Federal Reserve System:  Stable central banks are the bane of our economy.  Did we mention how much we liked the Gilded Age yet?
  • Sound Money: Shiny yellow metal should be the basis of value on our economy, not crazy things like "economic productivity".
  • Dodd Frank:  We want this repealed, because it punished poor Wall Street firms and one of the authors was a homosexual.

Defending Sovereignty at Home and Abroad


  • United Nations: Have we mentioned how much we hate them?
  • United Nations Agenda 21: An insidious combination of the United Nations and Sustainable Development.  It is obviously a front for ecoterrorists.


  • Traditional Military Culture: Kick the gays and lesbians out of the military before they infect everyone there.  The consequences of having homosexual soldiers are horrifically bad, as the experience of the military of every other developed country in the world shows.


  • The Texas Solution:
    1. Secure Our Borders.  We want sharks with frickin' laser beams.
    2. Modernize the United States Social Security Card: Update the Social Security card to act as a National ID card for US Citizens.  This would be nothing at all like the Real ID act, we swear. Also, we still want to get rid of Social Security.
    3. Birthright Citizenship:  No more anchor babies!
    4. Create an Effective and Efficient Temporary Worker Program: By this, of course, we mean make it almost as hard to become a temporary worker in the US as it is it become a naturalized citizen.


  • Declaration of War: Have we mentioned how much we hate the War Powers Act yet?
  • Foreign Aid:  Kill it. Promoting things like "literacy", "hygiene", "family planning", and providing food aid to other countries that ask for assistance is downright socialist.  They should pay us for help  instead.
  • International Organizations:  They are all plotting our downfall, and cooperating them destroys our sovereignty.
  • Israel:  God said that we must help them out so that during the Tribulation all the Jews will convert to Christianity as a necessary fulfillment of prophecy in bring about Armageddon.  To that end, help them stomp all over Palestine and piss off the rest of the Arab Muslim world while we are at it -- these all necessary according to Revelation to bring Jesus back.

(Original at